Afraid

I finally understood after screaming some
I'd been afraid this whole time
I was afraid because I couldn't see my future
I was afraid of now knowing what I want to do
I was afraid of myself for not knowing that
And....
I was afraid of the days that nevertheless flew by without any mercy
But...
Even then...
If I keep riding like this, will I be able to see it?
Someday, even i...?

At the end of each day

The sound grew faint
Sentimental music started flowing in
Always asking the same questions
Too many questions
Then the flood begins
The imagined path of others
Like black figurines taunting
If only I could find the light
In this dark abyss

New day, New motivation

Obviously, as you can see from my previous post, I failed again.

So new motto: Determination, Passion , Exellence

3rd Sept to 7th Sept For Experiment or For Love

3rd Sept
2.30am- I have never been very disciplined... not recently...especially compared to my peers. I always wondered why. Lack of self control? pessimisism? Motivation? Well I have only ever been motivated to do things for one reason in my life. Again, it is a girl. My girlfriend is coming over on 8th September. Therefore, at this wee hour of the morning, I decided to put my something to a test. Can I put in enough effort, enough steel, enough fight, enough passion, to create a a 5 day FREE week ( to take her around) in just 5 Days ? Would I be able to accomplish enough work to take care of her without feeling guilty or being behind? This a test! This is a challenge! This is my life!

5.20pm- Tired after 7 hour classes and other chores. Should i feel guilty for coming home(to my room) and not starting work straight away? Maybe it is not realistic. I will let that slide with myself, or at least rationalize it. But I will bring the fire tonight. I swear. The target is right after dinner start work (because I am deprived of sleep so I am going to take an hours nap)

9.00pm- Still haven't started work. Decided that watching movie might inspire me. ARe u KIDDING ME? also, i have to help my fren tmrw morning to shift some stuff. losing time. yet still not doing work.

4th Sep
12.00am- I guess love isn't a motivation either. I just spent the whole night dota-ing and watching movie. Even at this time, I still don't plan to sleep. Where are my priorities?

the hottest thing

I think the hottest thing is when a hot, (sluttiness is optional), chick takes a big whiff of the cigar/weed/cigarrette and blows it in to your mouth...

FUH!!! tat is like damn 'chat' hot la!!!

Too bad all this stuff is bad for health =(

Who will be the Sky King?

Same Face = Same Attitude

I starting to feel like the traditional chinese believe that you can predict how someone can act just by looking at their facial features is true after all. Seriously, don't you always get the feeling that people with the same face usually have the same attitdue ? Of course I understand that there are exceptions to the rule but that doesn't disprove that there might be some corelation between these 2 factors.

Everyone of have had this experience when you meet someone new, you may have certain expectation or stereotypes of his attitude based on his looks. This is partly because your brain assimilates this person with a person that you previously know that had acted in a certain way. Probably one of the few flaws of our brain that like to subconciously slot things into existing categories instead of making new ones although the basis for it may not be very objective. (of course there is an upside to why it works this way too, though I won't elaborate on it)

Anyway, when the person actually acts like what you expected, it is not suprising but rather very predictable and boring. This phenomenon happens about 50% of the time or more (abritary judgement from my experience) which I feel is enough to disaprove the notion that you can't judge a book by its cover.

So does this mean that your face determines your fate? Does your face determine your personality?

I like not to think so since i don't believe in the idea that fate is predestined. I am living proof that you can change your attitude and behaviour. So maybe we have been looking at it the wrong way. Maybe it is your attitude that shapes your face. Maybe your ruthlessness since young is the one that gave you that wide, square jaw.

Maybe thats why when you see someone with that "chiooon" or "lanci" look (cantonese lingo), you already know you dislike him. Maybe it is one of nature's natural mechanism to enable humans to know who like and dislike easier.

In short, those people who behave in a certain way may have shaped their face in a certain way.

Of course biologist, anthropology and a lot more categories of scientist would probably dismiss this theory as hogwash. Everybody knows that our facial features are determined by our genes.

However, I still think that it is a valid hypothesis worth pondering. It is back to the arguement of "Nature Vs Environment " and which of the factors affect the result more.

If this hypothesis ever helped someone win the noble prize in the next century or so, I hope that person gives credit to me for predicting this possible phenomenon. =)

No.1 hated thing (at least for the next 3 years)

The No.1 thing that i hate the most is *drum roll* *hold your breath....it is going to be long sentence*

People who make snide remarks/or THAT look like you are suppose to know something when you clearly ARE not suppose to know it!

Understood it yet? need to read it again.. It's ok! I can wait. Take your time!

On the same page? good! Don't you agree?

Typical scenario usually goes like this. Person who knows his plan/work/activity he has in mind will ask you to do something. You, obviously either new or oblivious to his plan, ask him questions on how it works. Then THAT person will laugh/taunt/scold you for not knowing what is suppose to "clearly obvious". What the f*ck is up with that?

Of course you don't know. You're not suppose to know!How are you suppose to know? Read the f*cker's mind? Idiots!!!

Did you get a briefing on it? or training? or an SOP to read ? instruction manual ? If not, then just ask that person to shut the f*ck up and to just answer the f*king question!

The very fact that the person is asking should be commended. Firstly, at least he is brave enough to show that he doesn't know and appear ignorant. Secondly, he is not assuming anything which is good because certain assumptions have led to very big cock-ups.

Lastly, does it take much effort to answer a "stupid" question ? If it is a "stupid" question, it probably has a straight forward "smart" answer. Of course it is only a stupid question in an idiot's eyes!

Too cheesy!!!

My honest opinion is that the concept of romance in our modern age (mark the date, june 2010) is really in danger. With the over-exposure of romantic dramas,series, songs and the like, it seems the so-called "traditional" things we do are considered too cheesy or boring. Expectation has been elevated to levels that are not realistic.

In fact, due to the exponential increase, especially movies, of romantic media stories almost everything we do is considered cheesy. Everyone is trying to create a tagline that can be replay over and over again until it becomes *gawsh-oh-so-romantic* phrase.Case in point.

"You complete me!" "You had me at...hello!" -Jerry Maguire

You get the idea right? The ultimate speech at the climax that needs to be done in order to rescure the relationship. It's the transition phase from "boy FIGHT with girl" to "boy get BACK together with girl."

Now imagine this! If you are at your own wedding, giving a speech/vows about your loved one, and you say "I love you!" or "I want to be with you forever" or "we will live happily ever after". Some people are going to think "LAME!!!!"

I don't blame them. They were conditioned into it as far as I am concerned. As direct result from this fear of being judged as "Lame", one might succumb to the pressure and try to give some fantasticly funny or good speech even though it might not be in his/her calibre to do so. Then what happens? They crash and burn due to various reasons, such as making inappropiate jokes or having too much puffery.

Others might just crack under the pressure and won't even be able to enjoy their own wedding speech. Probably taking the safest route by giving a generic, thoughtless speech.

Heck!!! I bet many people these days refrain from saying "I love you" at times just because its overused.... EVERYWHERE. Ads, Billboards, Cards, SMS, Movies, Songs, Books, Brochures.... you name it, it is there! Right in your FACE!!!

Its sad day when saying the most truest words from ones inner-self is considered not original. Considered not poetic enough. Honestly, how did we let this happen?

I am spreading the awareness. Starting from now! Sticking to boring "I love you" as a *ahem* tagline for the rest of my life. Why? Because it is important not to get caught up in all the creativity and media hype.Because it is important to take a stand. Because you should say what you mean. Because it is clear and concise. Because ladies like to hear it no matter what.

Too Boring or cheesy ? well don't blame me. Blame society!!!

"what if"

Some super-philosophical-friend (who likes to turn everything into a positive so much that it seems so fake ) once asked me "What is your niche?" I couldn't answer him. I probably could have a few years ago. But I am now a very confused person. Totally wondering about the "what ifs".

For example, "What if" i was not the afternoon supervisor's son? would half the people in secondary school even know me?

The "what if"s always make me worry about the road not taken. Worried about the opportunity cost. When you open one door, it means you are closing the others. I can't decide what i want to concentrate on. When i observe other peoples skills and their sucess although they are in completely different fields, I can appreciate all and also feel that I can be just like them. All I have to do is indulge in that field. However, it means I'm neglecting other things. Until now, I can't find a trade-off which I like.

It is ridiculous. So ridiculous until I can't even enjoy my life. Even when trying to have fun, I will ask myself, "is this enough fun?" "what if I could be doing something else more fun? " . Then all the fun is gone. I'm not in the moment. Too worried that I am not maximizing the time I have. Ironically, by thinking about it, I already am not maximizing the time I have. Is this confusion ? Greed? Fickled?

It is like I want to be good at everything, and just not good...but GREAT!!! but there is only so much time. Most of the things you want to be great at takes 10-15 years of non-stop effort and diligence. Does this mean that I have not found something I am truly passionate about? Does that mean I am lazy and just a dreamer?

Should I just concentrate on the things that I am familiar with and have potential to be good at now ? or should I explore things until I can say with certainty what I trully am passionate about ?

Honestly, I feel if this keeps up, I would be left behind by my peers. that would be a sad thing. cuz I don't feel I am inferior to them in any way.

the world is a depressing place

we can only feel happy with the little things...as we fight to survive.. and die.. and become dust..which seems so pointless in the end

Stop Reading now!!!

Reading increases knowledge,
Knowledge is power,
But power corrupts,
corruption is a crime,
and crime does not pay!

So the more you read, the more broke you will be

Fun Fact# 3 a recurring problem to me

A reliable feeling is an indicator

If something is said to be reliable, then it means it must happen consistently over time. Well I have a reliable feeling. No matter if its few months, few days or few hours, everytime i go back to M'sia and see my gf, I would always be depressed after I leave.

To add to that, even when i'm back, there is always this sense of impending doom that it will all end soon and then i can't even enjoy my time with her. Enjoying time = time fly faster. This is actually the reason why i made the "scariest thing in my life" video. It is the expression that I'm doing things, mundane or exciting, without being able to share it with the person I cherish. Time is flying by and I can't enjoy her presence. Isn't that scary?

However, I made it point not to be super "emo" on blogs anymore because I feel it's an abuse of the vitrual world where people bitch, emo etc. to get attention or to get back at someone or some other abusive way of using blogs. So I will end on a positive note. In conclusion, I guess this reliable feeling may be an indicator that when I may have to make the hard choice next time of picking between career and relationship, I should do what makes me happy.

I guess I realized that I'm not the kind of guy I thought I was. One who will priortize achievement no matter what.

Two is better than one

No.... it's not the "boys like girls" feat. taylor swift song... but it is related to the point which is BOYS LIKE GIRLS!

I hope to educate some of the naive female population on a universal truth that they can't seem to get. Some people are telling me, they don't understand why guys like to see 2 girls make out. I am hoping that if more people read this, they won't ask me such a ridiculous question.

Firstly, if we were to see a guy and girl make out on screen, of course you will be looking at the pretty girl right? because if you are a guy, looking at the guy, well just -_-" .....

So 1st Fact : Boys Like Girls

So on the premise that when people are making out, guys will only focus on the girl in the situation, the next point to note is variety is the spice of life. If there are more things to look at, of course it is more interesting. For Example, in the case of the making out situation, (again from the guys perspective, we ONLY CONCENTRATE ON THE GIRL!), 2 girls making out!!! more variety right

So 2nd fact : Two is better than one

It is simple math that if you like something, you will want more of it. and 2 is more than one. Caution : theorem does not work on bi-sexuals...they will always have 2 anyway...

So in conclusion, always remember! why do guys like to see girls make out with each other?

Two is better than one because Boys like Girls

MY first impressions judgements are horrible?

Fun Fact #2 Most of initial "enemies" are my closest friends; and those that I thought I had the same frequency, just faded away. Though I am right, some of the time, the "enemy" is still the "enemy" forever. But lower percentage than i expected. 20% maybe ?

I guess one of the reason for this is I sometimes confuse good, honest rivalry with despising the "enemy". Being raised and brought up with a highly competitive characteristic, if I think your good at something, you are usually my rival. I either want to beat you at your own game, or express your inadequacies which I have superiorty over you.

Probably I used to think that you need to be seen as a RIVAL and not a FRIEND. I guess now MY RIVALS are also usually MY FRIENDS because it means I have a real respect for some aspects of them. And with respect comes tolerance and a lot of other things. There are also a lot of good memories that come with rivalry that strengthens a bond after you see past all the differences and concentrate on the commonalities. I always enjoy a good rivalry honestly.

Moreover, there are some people that over the years are just NOT AS ANNOYING as they used to be. That is a fact. so they are no longer the "enemy". They have either adapted, changed for the better, or they just understand the style of communicatiing with you after the years of trial and error.

However, in the end, there are just some people that will FOREVER be annoying man, SERIOUSLY!!

Judgemental about tact

People ask me why am i so damn 'chat' judgemental. I'm particular harsh on the subject of tact in the social environment. When i see somebody doing something out of the normal social convention, unknowingly making it awkward or hurting/offending someone, I would have F1 racer type thoughts in my head instantly.

For this particular issue of tact, I can say that the reason i'm particularly harsh is because of my past. Since I used to not care what other people think, brutal truth and all, it took me awhile to get out of those habits and join the lane of tactful people. (ironically, NOW i care too much about what other people think. Its like a freaking pendulum swinging from one end to the other)

Even then, more often than not, I still screw up because it doesn't come naturally to me. So when I see other people doing it, it's like looking into a mirror of my past self. Who likes to be reminded of that?

Gen Y's overcontrolling (asian) parents

Ministry of education is wondering why many Malaysians go overseas for their tertiary education. One obvious reason is that our public universities are not up to standard. This subject has been debated to death. But, consider this!

The overcontrolling parents of our generation (Gen Y) are not helping. I know of many people who go overseas for the freedom aspect. Imagine, even when your 21, you still have concepts of curfew which is mind-boggling because when you were overseas at the age of 19, you stayed out until whatever-the-hell-time-you-want and still didn't manage to die.

Girls, in particular, are feeling the brunt of it. Many that are studying overseas feel reluctant to come HOME because they say it is like going back to prison. Sure its a comfy prison with many perks, especially safety and support but they prefer to work in the foreign country they studied in because it is foreseen that even when they start working (at the age of 22-23), they still will have a CURFEW as well as other regulations.

Alas, another reason to why people study overseas and stay there.

The scariest thing in life

Cultural Difference

Its funny how different cultures have ways of doing things.

To preserve safety of their homes, Malaysians have high walls surrounding their homes, with spikes on them. They attach metal grills on their windows and doors. All this to ward off intruders. The country also bans the ownership of guns unless for sports.

However, USA see things differently. From shows that I have watched, I can't understand why they need guns to protect themselves but they don't need a wall surrounding their house. You can practically just kicked down their doors for sport. (Of course I'm talking about the middle class income people here. The super rich have big walls and all that)

So i had to ponder this aspect of the American culture. There must be a reason to it. Here are the possibilities that I would one day, if I ever had the time, use as my hypothesis in my research.

1. A gun cost much less than walls and grills
2. Americans forsee an overpopulation in the near future. Figured this is the best way to keep it down without the cost of regulation. Besides, mostly criminals will be killed anyway.
3. Americans want people to break into their house to add some excitement into life.
4. Americans it to be a teeny-weeny bit easier for people to feel welcomed to drop by.
5. Americans feel claustrophobic relatively easier compared to Malaysians
6. Amercians realized that walls and grills are hazardous if a fire occurs. You will be trapped, or at least, it will slow down your escape.

Well, this is just on the top of my mind. I just want to stress that I'm not making fun of the Americans. I just wanted to see what reasonings I could come up with before I actually do research and find out the real reason. Who knows ? My deductions could be proven true.

Halleujah to coffee and alcohol !

New Decade. New Look. New concept. Yes, that means you, bloggie !







Fun Fact #1 : I seem to have "more interest in people" or "conversation material" flows better to me only when I am "under the influence"

• coffee - makes me super energetic. Under normal circumstances, I can't muster up the energy to care for people, so don't even start about meeting NEW people. Yet, caffeine seems to have the magical power to energize me enough to think of topics to connect with people.


• alcohol - perfect for awkward moments when I'm uncomfortable with the person. opposite of coffee. makes me think less, meaning I won't overanalyze if my words will offend the person. Hence, more natural with the person. Warning: Benefits last 1 hour only. then, it is time to sleep!

Reflections : I'm not as good as I thought I was, but I'm not as bad either.